Crankcase

Two bags of jelly beans, a ten-year old and a Tilt-A-Whirl.

Gawd, am I sick. Lately it's been rare for me to show up with a cold (thank you, vitamin Garlic), but for some reason I skipped my old skool remedy and decided to tough it out. Of course I catch the cold that was likely brewed up in some post-Cold War biotoxin lab. Gutteral voice, snot like string cheese and a cough that I'm sure will end up snapping a rib or two. In short, I feel just YUMMY. But wait, didn't I have a cold around the holidays last year? Indeed I did. So, by scientific deduction, I am allergic to the holidays. Postpone my gifts until June 12! It'll give me something to do besides kvetch about the humidity.

And now without further adieu, I present the only safe way to greet someone at this time of year (feel free to use):

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice a religious or secular tradition at all.

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the Western hemisphere), and with out regard to race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or others, and is void were prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and the warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Wishee agrees to hold harmless the wisher from any and all damages whether physical, emotional, or financial, but not by way of limitation, arising out of or as a result of these wishes.)

posted by: Jiggsy at 12/22/04 16:33 | link | comments (1) |

The deadly answer.

Yes, this nasty little meteor of puffed rice is the product. It ranks just below quartz on Mohs Hardness Scale and is only slightly tastier. Now at least I understand what the little encephalitic child is doing to the poor orange crab. She's either feeding him one of these mouth shredding wonders or is planning to crush him with it. Judging from the flailing pincers, I'm going with option two.

I plan to buy more Asian product mascots and let you take a guess on the product first. Thanks for playing!

posted by: Jiggsy at 12/01/04 16:54 | link | comments (3) |